So much of my thought-life is centered around the worry that I’m not good enough.
Over time, I think I start to believe it. Over time I start to live it. Over time, I *become* far less than I am.
*“But what if you’re still good? What if you’re just fine? What if your hair looks exactly as it should?”*
I think believing that line would change my entire existence. My thought life would be transformed. My external world would look different. My priorities would completely change. I would be a much more generous person, and have plenty of time instead of always running out.
This worry is probably what drives most of my addictive behaviors. Gear acquisition, fantasies, obsessing- these are fast ways for me to improve myself and my situation, and also avoid the pain of feeling like a failure. But they’re also completely ineffective, they waste my time and focus, and they sabotage my purpose.
I long to live free. To be who I am and nothing more, *and nothing less*.
I long to release the people and things around me from the responsibility of adding to who I am. To give what I give and do what I do because I am who I am- not in order to become who I wish I was.