I guess it’s time for an update.

I think we’ve moved beyond the heavy non-stop crying phase of grieving, at least for now. This new phase makes me miss the heavy crying. I’m not sure how to describe it. “Nothing”, maybe. Or a dull ache.

Every time I see a photo of Livie I’m suddenly pulled back to the reality that she existed. I forget. How am I already forgetting she was here? It feels like a dream. Did it even happen? Was she really here? Where is she now? She’s not in the past. The photos aren’t her. She’s not in the ground. Her grave is like a photo. I want to dig her up and hold her body again, but it wouldn’t be her. Every time I see a photo of her, I touch it. It doesn’t work. It’s not her. Her being in heaven isn’t working for me either. The truth doesn’t work. Nothing “works”.

She’s not here. And a bigger problem is becoming, neither am I. I’m somewhere else, maybe trying to find her so I can bring her back into the safety of our family. I don’t know. Our other 3 kids finally have us back, but we’re still not back. It’s not fair to them which is frustrating.

And where is God? It was obvious he was with us when she was here. We were living in the middle of a miracle. Now we’re just… floating around. There’s no direction. Just floating around, sort of here, mostly absent. Still terrified. “What’s next?” “If I couldn’t protect Olivia, how will I protect the rest of my family?”

This is what I need to hear today:

What is seemingly dead is still alive.

While your heart aches and your mind panics and tries to find Olivia; while you lay in pain and teeter on insanity, you are being restored. So is your family. So is Olivia.

I know it feels like chaos, but there is a plan; a process. This moment is a part of the processes. The pain is a part of the process. The insanity is a part of the process. Don’t fight it. Let it.

Olivia is not lost. Neither are you. The current has you both. Trust the current. Trust the process.

Wednesday April 20, 2016