Today I was looking back at my Jan 1 journal entries. It’s striking how much my outlook on life has changed in just a few years. Jan 1 2014 I had 2 pages of goals with daily, weekly, and monthly routines and checkpoints to help me reach those goals. Jan 1 2015 my goal was to fully experience Olivia’s birth, which was supposed to be our only few minutes to know her. I had a bunch of plans, a “train schedule” I called it, for how we’d recover and then continue growing Hello Industry starting that February. I gave myself one month to grieve. Jan 1 2016 Olivia had been alive almost a year. She defied all odds and had convinced us she was here to stay. Her birthday was coming. I wrote in my journal that my only goal was to live each moment, fully. Nothing else. How beautiful and how powerful, that one little girl who can’t even hold her head up - who is so severely disabled that she doesn’t even know she’s disabled - can transform the mind and heart of a 35 year old man - a stubborn, overly driven, overly self-aware, fearful man. Powerful, powerful little Olivia.

This year, I can’t even make a goal. I can’t bear to look forward. I’m too overwhelmed to look back. I’m frozen in the current…

Here is what I need to hear right now:

You are frozen in the current. But the Current is moving. The Current is not stuck… And at least you are here. Most of your life you’ve been everywhere but where you are. Maybe here isn’t comfortable. Or clear. Maybe here isn’t “successful” or famous. But here is where you are. This is life and you are finally living it.

This year, I can’t even make a goal. So instead I will borrow last year’s one:

“2016 [2017] Goal: Live fully the life that is in front of me. Be present with my family. Make meaningful art. Refuse to worry.”

Honestly, that seems impossible to me right now. I feel like I was a better man one year ago. But I will try. Or maybe better, I will let it happen. I will trust the Current.

I am frozen, but the Current is not.

Monday January 02, 2017